How your toilet training affects your relations with others

You may have heard that all our adult behaviors are a result of our childhood and upbringing. This line of thinking comes from a theory in psychology called the psychoanalytic theory. In simple terms, it explains adult behavior based on childhood and upbringing.

The theory consists of five stages, which explain the stages of development of a child from childhood to adulthood.

• Oral: From birth to 1year
• Anal: From Age 1 to Age 3
• Phallic: From Age 3 to Age 6
• Latency: From 7- 11 years.
• Genital: From 12 years to adulthood

We will discuss them all in detail in a later article. Today we will focus on the anal stage (1 – 3 years), which explains how your ‘potty’ training dictates how you do everything.

For instance, do you find yourself doing any of these things?

– Buying twice or thrice as much of everything at the supermarket/shop to store so you will stay supplied.

– Arranging the money notes in your wallet/purse by value or how worn they are so you can spend the dirty ones first.

– Being greatly bothered if you see small errors or details.

– Looking for words on Google or a dictionary to make sure you have the right spelling before typing them on social media?

– Do other people around you say you are obsessed with perfection?

– Do you find it hard to relax on the weekend or vacation when you know it should be your time to unwind?

– Are you extremely economical even with small things like limiting yourself to a certain length of toilet paper or going out of your way to get things at a cheaper cost when you don’t have to?

The above are all signs that a person may be anal retentive. It is characterized by a need to control your environment; this means behaving in a reserved manner or being very careful about what you do.

Anal retentive

The concept of the anal retentive personality was developed by a psychologist named Sigmund Freud, who first developed the psychoanalytic theory.

According to Freud, children who experience too much pressure or anxiety during toilet training, in many cases, develop an anal retentive personality. This personality type is characterized by being overly neat, organized, and obsessed with order and control. People with an anal retentive personality may also be stubborn, rigid, and perfectionistic.

Anal Repulsive

The opposite of the above is referred to as anal repulsive. They refer to children who were toilet trained in a relaxed manner. Their parents were less strict, and there was no pressure to ‘get it right.’ As a result, they developed a more ‘liberal personality.’ Anal repulsive people are self-confident, may have artistic ability, and are very generous. They may also exhibit cruelty, emotional outbursts, disorganization, rebelliousness, and general carelessness.

Traits associated with anal retentiveness

Extreme Orderliness

People with anal retentiveness are generally very organized and orderly. It is a great trait in the sense that it helps get things done. If this is you then you find that you are very procedural, like to simplify and break tasks down into manageable steps.

A flip side to that is you may be so stuck in order and procedures that it deters the freedom and creativity of those working with or under you. You are fixed in your ways that you find it hard to be open to other ways of doing the same thing. You may also expect so much from other people.

Stinginess

It is a healthy habit, especially with money, to spend reservedly and save more. Being economical means you will have enough in the future. The extreme case of it, however, can lead to stinginess. Anal retentive people find it hard to spend money on themselves and others. They go to the extremes of using other people’s things while sparing their own in order to cut costs.

Continuous habits of stinginess bring about hoarding and a strong desire for possessiveness. Anal retentive people struggle with letting things or people go even when they are no longer useful or healthy to hold onto.

Strict

With an anal-retentive personality, there is no margin for error. You may find you have a tendency to hold yourself to unattainable standards, and when you inevitably make a mistake, you are too hard on yourself. This can lead to negative feelings of shame and a decrease in self-esteem.

Not only yourself you may also find yourself punishing others for minor errors and not allowing them to make mistakes and learn from them. This is unfair and unrealistic, as everyone is bound to make mistakes at some point in their lives.

Rigidity

Another stubborn train of anal retentiveness is being rigid and stuck in your ways. You may find yourself with a strong attachment to your method of doing things and reluctant to consider alternative points of view. The rigidity to compromise or adapt brings discord and strain to relationships. Also, the inability to see things from a different perspective may lead to missed opportunities for growth and development.

Authoritative

Another tendency of an anal-retentive individual is an excessive desire to be in control. You will always insist on having things done your way, denying others the opportunity to take the initiative. Your standards are so impossible that others around you are unable to live up to them. Even more, you will still expect them to meet your expectations, even if you never stated them. At work, you will find yourself micromanaging your subordinates or even doing their tasks if they are not doing them as you would.

Coping With Being Anal-Retentive

If, after reading this, you feel you may have an anal-retentive or repulsive personality, then there is something you can do about it. It, however, depends on whether it bothers you or the people around you.

First and foremost, you need to develop your self-awareness. Learning to manage any psychological problem is a result of being aware when the negative trait happens. This requires you to be conscious of your behaviors at any given time.

Second, if you feel the behavior is excessive or out of your control, then it is a sign that you might need to seek professional help.

Lastly, if you are functioning well, aren’t bothered by it, and the people around you are accepting of your personality, then you simply have to learn to live with it.

Unlike more serious diagnosable mental health conditions, anal retentiveness is more of a personality concern. People who feel an overwhelming need to manipulate their surroundings can be hiding a more serious problem, such as anxiety or depression. On the other hand, people who exhibit traits of high order, such as a need to maintain high standards of tidiness and well-organized finances, may be acting out a more acceptable adult version of an unfulfilled urge from their childhood.