Do you struggle with setting boundaries?

The word ‘boundaries’ or the idea of setting boundaries has in recent years become popularized especially when it comes to relationships. But as popular as it is, many people still struggle with boundaries and setting them, which in turn affects their relationships, and consequently their mental health.

If you ever feel bad or guilty for saying ‘NO’ to someone doing something that makes you uncomfortable, then chances are that you struggle with boundaries. Sometimes it can be very clear that the person is taking advantage of you, but you still find it difficult to hold your ground. You lack the courage to even let them know how you feel about the situation.

Setting boundaries is not easy, and especially when the person who you need boundaries with is superior to you in a way. Either they are in a position of power or you depend on them in one way or another. However, with assertiveness and a willingness to lead a better life with others, it can be done. In this article we will define boundaries, what it means to have healthy boundaries, and how you can set boundaries to have healthy relationships.

What are boundaries?

We all know what a boundary is from geography classes back in school. It is a line or sign that marks the limits of something, be it physical like a piece of land, or abstract like say the limit to how much noise you can tolerate in a particular place. In relationships, having boundaries simply means having limits to which another person’s behavior/habit is acceptable to you. Boundaries are personal and differ which is why what is acceptable to you may not be to another person and vice versa. This is why learning to set boundaries is important because it is the best way to learn how to accommodate people in your life for a harmonious coexistence.

Importance of boundaries

Whenever people buy a piece of land to build their home, depending on the neighborhood, the first thing they do is build a ‘boundary’ wall around it. Building a wall around your home provides you with three important things:

• Safety and security – from any external threats
• Privacy – for when you need it
• Autonomy – so you can choose who gets access to you

There are many more reasons, but the above are the main ones. People set boundaries, not only to mark what they own, but also to protect something they consider valuable (in this case their family and possessions). The same applies for personal boundaries. Lack of well communicated boundaries exposes you to hurt from others. It also shows you have a low regard for yourself. This is to say that you do not consider yourself valuable enough to protect. For instance, if what you want was a family home with big compound where you can relax outside undisturbed on weekends enjoying sunshine, then it may be difficult without a wall. Especially if the house is next to a public road, then you will often have two or three curious neighbors walking up to you trying to make small talk. At night, you will also be the easier target for a robbery and many other external threats.

Though not perfect, this analogy gives you a sense of why we set boundaries and their importance. Just like boundary wall around our homes and places of work, learning to set personal boundaries is important for many reasons:

1. 1. It teaches other people how to love us. A wall clearly marks what private property is and what is not. With well communicated boundaries, people in your life know how far in your life they can go, and the space they should allow you.

2. Boundaries are precautionary not reactionary. This means you have to set them first for them to be effective, rather than later when something unwanted happens.

3. They keep us safe from harm. Even in the safest of places, there is no assurance of being free from danger. With no clear boundaries, even people close to us may hurts us without knowing.

4. They are a sign of self-love. Only people who love themselves enough or have a high sense of self-worth can form healthy boundaries. By knowing your limits and communicating them with others, you enjoy peace and more genuine relations with others.

5. They help establish healthy relationships. All relationships come with expectations that the other party wants fulfilled. Healthy boundaries help you and the other person, be it you friend, relative, spouse, lover e.t.c to find the sweet balance where everyone gets the needs met.

6. Boundaries give your life meaning and purpose. Healthy boundaries create some order in your life so you can pursue your goals and aspirations with no impediments. They also make it easy for others around you to support you. ,

7. Boundaries help you become more assertive. You are able say no and stand your ground. You also get the courage to confront others when they violate your boundaries, which breeds mutual respect.

WHY many people fail when setting boundaries

Setting boundaries is one thing, getting them respected is another thing. Some people, without a clear understanding of boundaries, make unrealistic ‘boundaries’ that others find hand to keep or ignore all together. When emotions run high, especially when you have been wronged or want to prove a point, you may find yourself saying things you don’t mean and call them boundaries. Other people, seeing this happen repeatedly may assume you never mean what you say and ignore any limits you set. This is why you must be clear-minded and objective when setting boundaries.  Make sure you are not clouded by intense emotions of anger, pain, joy e.t.c that will change once you calm down, but will not undo what you had said.

When setting boundaries, it is important to know that people expect you to respect, and live up to your boundaries. For example, if one of your boundaries is others not wasting your time then you should also live up to it. You should always be on time for meetings, and when in charge, stick to the agenda within the appointed time. It is easier for others to follow when you lead by example.

Another critical thing you should know if you want others to respect your boundaries is to learn to also respect other people’s boundaries. Just like your own, others peoples boundaries may seem less valuable or non-sensical to you. You should learn to respect other people’s limits and find a way to see them on a positive light.

And finally, an interesting but common reason why most people’s boundaries are violated is because they expect other people to be mind readers. They don’t communicate their boundaries but still expect others to know. Can you count the number of times you have offended someone unknowingly? I’m sure you have lost count. A common mistake we make is assuming other people think like us. You might think something is common sense, and assume the other person knows it. It’s not always the case. This is why you should learn to express yourself clearly even if you feel uncomfortable at first. How well do you express your feelings to those around you?

Worth noting…

With well thought out and clearly communicated boundaries, you have good reason for them to be respected. It also helps you avoid toxic relations as you can tell the people who do not respect your boundaries from the onset, and keep away from them. Anyone who ignores your boundaries communicates a lack of value for you.  However, you also need to make sure your boundaries are fair and realistic.

Always remember not to set your boundaries for wrong reasons, like anger or a clouded judgment. Some people create limits to punish others, mostly because they are not happy with other people’s limits. A common example is when a loved one sets a boundary you don’t like, and in revenge, you deny them something you know they value, in the name of boundaries. In this way, you force your will against them much so that they give up their boundaries for your selfish reasons. Always set your boundaries from an objective frame of mind.

Learning to set healthy boundaries free of guilt

The biggest reason why many people find it difficult to set boundaries is the feeling it gives them. They feel bad, guilty, ashamed, or unfair for setting them. This is tendency can quickly lead you to depression if not managed. As you learn to set boundaries, you must also know that not all will be happy when you set boundaries. Simply put, there are some benefits they previously got from you that they will no longer enjoy. In such a case, there is a high chance you have been a people pleaser. So, as much as it makes your life harder, don’t give up. Always remember your main aim for setting them.

People-pleasing tendencies come from a low self-esteem, which makes you feel guilty for setting boundaries or simply saying no. This may be because you have a great need for external validation which makes you seek other people’s approval. You find yourself having an uncomfortable feeling when you go against other people’s desires. This may be hard to overcome since it is a habit you have formed for a long time. You may need to unlearn some things from your past to accommodate new beliefs that will make your life healthier. If you want to know exactly how to set boundaries then you may consider a step by step guide or the many other resources available online.

However, for more severe cases, you may want to talk to a professional counselor. They will help you explore you childhood traumas and other defining moments in your life. You will also gain a high awareness of yourself and why you do the things you do. Most importantly, you will learn a few simple techniques you can apply in your daily life to become more assertive and firm in your decisions.

As you learn to set boundaries, keep this in mind; you are the one to show others how to treat you, not the other way round.